“When are you getting pregnant?”, “What’s keeping you from making babies?” Questions You Must Stop Asking Married Couples!

Stop asking married couples when they will give birth.

Stop asking married couples when they will give birth.

“You’ve been married for some time now, when will your wife conceive?”, “When are you planning to have a baby?” “Has your wife given birth?” “What stops you from having a baby?”

The above are some of the frustrating questions we’ve had to battle with from friends and distant relatives as married couples.

In most multi-active (Africa and some parts of Asia) communities and/or cultures, for example, there’s a standard for the first 3 months in marriage – which is for the bride to conceive. After 3 months, questions begin to troop in. All manner of questions relating to pregnancy are asked ‘by heart’ without considering the feelings of the recipients. This may come as a shock to you if you come from a linear-active culture (The West). However, this is very common in multi-active cultures.

Marriage is a union of two individuals; decisions in this institution solely lie on the participants. To take you through our marriage journey:

Prior to our marriage, we discussed our plans as partners and goals as individuals. My partner wanted to further her education and realize her career just like I intended for myself. We agreed to get our visions aligned, support each other achieve our goals as partners and as individuals.

Immediately we started to live together, she started her studies. The nature of her program was such that conceiving may hamper her study journey. Therefore, we decided to hold on to making babies immediately till the last year of her studies or the end of her studies. We agreed on this decision and later informed our parents who responded affirmatively. With this, we had our peace of mind to study and enjoy our marriage with no baby making pressure from them.

Having said that, questions from friends and distant relatives became unbearable. Yes, there was one that got on my nerves some time back. In a conversation with a friend, this ensued:

Friend: How are you and your wife?
Me: We are doing fine.
Friend: Is she pregnant yet?
Me: No, she’s not.
Friend: What is keeping you guys from making babies? God has given you the opportunity and you don’t want to utilize it. This is sinful!
Me: (My heart nearly jumped out my throat. In fact, I got so upset and my immediate reply wouldn’t have contained the best of words).

So, I ignored the message. Perhaps in the mind of the questioner, she may think she cares and has a positive intention. However, the approach caused more harm than good.

I think we must stop asking married couples why they aren’t making babies yet. Some of them (in my case) may have decided legitimately to wait for some years before having a child, whereas others may be due to ailments. Sensitive questions like the above can cause psychological trauma and/or depression.

Let’s allow people to build on their fate. Some things are just not for us to question. We should only observe. Let’s be considerate and learn to mind our business!
Have you ever experienced this? Kindly share in the comment box. You could also join the conversation on our Facebook page (Lukumanu Minute).

How Mothers Can Raise Good Husbands And Not Just Good Wives

Mothers are jewels. Mothers are homemakers. Mothers are great shapers. It is why they take a chunk of the upbringing business of the home. The mother plays an integral role in the making of better homes and better societies. For years; for so many years, the concentration of their upbringing business has been on making better wives out of the girl-child, which is great. But how about, instead of concentrating on just that, they widen the scope to further concentrate on making better husbands out of the boy-child?

In the Institution of Marriage, the relationship that exists is a networked one. Of the many good things we can do to change the status quo that has long made the woman to be just a servant in marriage but not a partner; is to instill in the boy child that, , if the husband plays his role greatly, it makes it easier for the wife to discharge hers conveniently which then makes a happy home.  We have long overlooked the fact that marriage as an institution which demands a collective input than just one person serving the lot. Just like the way one hand can’t give you a good hand shake, just (only) the effort of the woman cannot make a sound home.

Most often, we ponder which university our boys will go to or career path they will grow to tread on, but rarely do we think of them as somebody’s future spouse. It is even evenly difficult to imagine that they’d grow up to be parents someday, rather unfortunately. The purpose of this piece is to explore ways by which the next generation of our much revered and beloved mothers and/or wives can make the best out of the boy-child to make them better and more responsible.

To start with, understanding of the term “Marriage” and the accompanying role of the man should be made a key component in the education of the boy-child. He should be made to understand that Marriage is the similitude of a Partnership Business – which explains why the husband and wife are referred to as partners. For true happiness and success to prevail in any Marriage, the man must play his role as excellently as the wife should. The work is not for the wife alone to do. The perception that it is the wife that does majority of the work (especially in the house) in Marriage should never be given space to stick in the boy’s head. This will obviously be a hard thing to do, since he [probably] will grow up watching his mum do almost everything at home. Nevertheless, this should be taught to him primarily.

Our generation of mothers should make a conscious effort in raising the male child in a way he will be responsible in every detail of the home. From the kitchen to bed, from the laundry to even bathing of children.

Society and culture in some way have made some jobs look more effeminate just like other jobs look masculine. However it doesn’t underline the fact that of the 90% chores in a home it’s a job that both partners can do. What’s more beautiful when both give their input in making the home a great place where ethics, compassion, affection, responsibility and leadership is reflected?

Of the best chefs in the world are males, of the most effective laundry companies are run by males, of the good home decorators are companies run by males. So what’s the excuse that the male child should fold his hands and watch the dishing, the tidying, the bathing and cooking of meals while he can participate in these chores?

The male-child must be involved in some household chores like doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom or toilet and even cooking. This will go a long way to help him if or when he eventually ends up in a Boarding School before Marriage. And when in marriage, it makes easier to give a helping hand regarding household chores. And doing so, can help ease work load of the wife in the house which will eventually have a positive impact on the relationship

Next, teach him to learn to respect the girl-child. He should never grow up holding a disrespectful or demeaning attitude towards the girl, or woman, for that matter. Also, mothers could consider advising their boy-child that it is necessary to involve women in decision making process in marriages as well as do away with any cultural myth that adds nothing but hinders relationship.

Furthermore, get him doing the baby-sitting business. Sooner or later, he will find himself in a position requiring him to baby-sit his or someone else’s baby, so, our mothers should please make this an essential element of their learning process. The boy-child should not be allowed to climb the ladder of development without learning this important activities, regardless of what.

We believe if these explained points are well implemented by our respected mothers in the upbringing of male children could go a long way to preparing them for the ever-important roles in marriages come tomorrow.

Do you have any point in mind? Do you like article? Please share your thoughts in the comment box.

Written by Kamal Issah, Hamza Hajj Ayub & Lukumanu Iddrisu

It Takes More Than Love To Stay Faithful – You Need These 3 Characters

Being married and having a pleasant moment is what all spouses crave for. However, as the world is full tests; there comes a time when relationships are tested.

The tests in marriages in our generation is like walking on a tight rope. The little imbalance will cause your fall. None is a stranger to temptation by any means.

Tests leading to unfaithfulness in marriages can be someone temporarily intruding the relationship, boredom in the relationship, lack of interest in one’s partner or due to our hyper sexual environment/generation, just to mention a few.

One might say “You are married. So, stay true to your spouse.” On a biological level, it is really that simple but very hard to apply and achieve.

The number of cheating cases in this generation of ours is alarming. Adultery has increased in many parts of the world including where you might be reading me from.

Infidelity has been cited as the most common reason for divorced or dissolved marriages according divorce lawyers and marriage counselors.

But can we say all culprits of cheating do not love their spouses? NO! There’s an adage that says, “No one spends money to marry the enemy”.

Literally, everyone marries the one he/she loves – which is undoubted unless otherwise. It must be understood that love alone does not guarantee faithfulness in marriage.

Love comes from the heart but it takes the head to build a solid relationship. No matter how you love your spouse, you are liable to infidelity if you lack the following characters;

Control Your Gaze

“Don’t think you are too powerful and grand to stand temptations, the best way to avoid being tempted is by lowering your gaze” ~ Mufti Menk (Islamic Theologian)

The use of the eyes is significant in the success of marriages. The eyes are the number one avenue for temptation. What the eyes see is what the mind digests and what the mind digests is what is sent to the brain to respond. If the eyes are not given control, it looks at anything anyhow and at any time. But if it is regulated, it knows “what to look fixedly and what to turn a blind sight upon”

Imagine a woman walking along the road dressed in a provocative attire. A (married) man with an unguarded sight will gaze upon her to the extent that he might be emotionally attracted which then leads to extramarital relations.

Similarly, a woman who is not careful with the eyes might come across other men who might have good limbs and flexy muscles than her husband. If care is not taken, the woman might get attracted to such men and the unmentionable will happen.

“Remember! women nowadays crave for six packs and not six cars”   Lool!!!!

Therefore, if the eyes are not tamed – one will gaze upon figures of the opposite sex that might cause the fellow to disparage the features of his or her partner.

In essence, use your eyes to only see the best in your spouse and help in suggesting how he/she can maintain or improve and not to look at others as a gauge. For the correct use of the eye prevents one from being tempted and in turn strengthen marriage relationship.

“out of sight, out of mind”

Self-Discipline

Nothing can be successful without discipline. No matter what you do, sustainability and long-term success cannot be achieved if there’s no self-discipline.

To live a healthy relationship and be happy, self-discipline is needed to accomplish such goal. Alternately becoming faithful in marriage requires emotional and physical discipline.

Self-discipline is often easy when one adapts to the first step (lowering your gaze).

There are instances where one finds him/herself to be attracted to someone (opposite sex) other than the spouse because that “someone” listens or pays more attention than the spouse. Gradually, one might start to rely on that person for emotional support.

This is referred as emotional infidelity. Without emotional discipline, the tendency of doing something silly is very possible.

Undoubtedly, there are period of frustrations in marriages and the best way to solve them is to address problems together with your spouse rather than a friend of the opposite sex. That’s why you are married!

You never know; someone might be waiting to capitalize on your weakness. Because there are instances where people in the name of consoling their friends (of the opposite sex) turn out as a different story hence physical infidelity.

To conquer these; try as much as possible to distance yourself from the opposite sex and learn to draw the lines when the opposite sex tries to lure you from your partner. Again, control your mind from lusting for others.

Finally, remember good things and always think positive about your mate when your emotions are drifted.

Contentment

Going after beauty or handsomeness is just like chasing money. If it’s the only choice to make you happy, you’ll never be happy; for it is infinite. ~ Lukumanu Iddrisu

Be happy and satisfied for who your spouse is.  Have a mindset that makes you feel highly of your partner to the extent that no beauty or handsomeness can fascinate you.

Moral Uprightness

I don’t know for the various cultures in the world but I believe 100% that, there’s no religion in this world that supports adultery. The two most dominated religions in the world i.e. Islam and Christianity both frowns on fornication and adultery. It is referred as unethical and a grave sin.

Believers in Islam or Christianity who conform to high standard of morality have fear of their Lord and  are very conscious with regards to committing such acts or crime. Both believe that it stains spirituality and retrogresses one’s success in this world and the next.

Therefore, being religious is another way of preventing yourself from committing adultery.

Ideally, this article is to champion the path of faithfulness in one’s marriage since it’s a determining factor for a long lasting relationship.

Always remind yourself and work towards it. The ball is in your court!

Were you inspired by this post? I would be grateful for your comment below. Please share to reach others. Thank you.

Recipes for a Long Lasting Relationship

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The start of marriage is exciting, but making it last is hard work. How to stay in love matters require maintaining and improving upon certain good habits. Marriage is a commitment and is a “promise that you will hold each other’s hand no matter the situation.”

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Before writing this article, I sought the opinion of my Facebook followers regarding factors that can lead to a long lasting relationship. They gave lots of correlated tips – however, I will be writing in parts as well as using real life scenarios to send a true message to readers.

In my opinion one of the toughest tests in life is marriage (relationship). Marriage-relationship is a never ending process that needs consistency to keep it moving. It always look simple in the eyes but tough in reality. Perhaps due to the way society “choose” to share most of the positives and not the entire truth. To be very honest, marriage is very hard to maintain but easy to crush.

Going straight to the point without taking enough space, I will be touching on realities that can easily make a healthy and happy marriage-relationship.

Competition and materialism have taken over our current generation affecting all lifestyles; marriage is of no exception. A lot of marriages are under the bus because of comparison and competition. For instance, many people make demands in their marriages owing to what they’ve seen in others’ marriages.

As human beings our capabilities are not equal and same applies to our marriages. Your friend’s husband can afford to buy her a car to run her errands but your husband can only afford a monthly bus ticket for you. Don’t let luxuries in other people’s marriage influence you to force your spouse to provide same. If you do that, you are getting close to ruining your relationship.

For if you always look at those who have more than you do, you will never be grateful. Be in your lane. It should be noted that we may be in same fraternity called marriage but as the saying goes “all fingers are not equal” hence we cut our coat according to our cloth/size.

Having the mind-set “you are enough for me” erases competition and the urge to impress the public with regards to your marriage and help set a clear path in creating a harmonious bond between you and your spouse to work fervently to attain your goals in your relationship.  When you are content, you think highly of your partner which feels like he/she is a unique being (celebrity) and that will prevent you from getting star-strucked (fascinated) by anybody in terms beauty, wealth, fame and the rest.

Appreciation goes along with contentment. Be thankful! Even if he can afford something worth the price of a handkerchief.  Also, say thank you to show appreciation to your wife’s efforts when she cooks and it doesn’t suit your taste. Savor what you have and help your spouse in working towards greatness.
Therefore, contentment and gratitude are key ingredients to a long lasting (successful) relationship.

The above mentioned points cannot be achieved without proper communication and compromise. As a man, let your spouse know what you can afford and what you cannot. Don’t give high hopes which will result in disappointments and eventually break the marriage.  Communicating properly to your spouse brings understanding.

Positive communication by words and by actions hold marriage-relationships stable.Talk about your weaknesses and strengths to create a platform to better them. Don’t protect your relationship with lies; for truth is relentless and it will hit you at the time unexpected.

The communication should include what we call emphatic listening, which means trying to understand the other person. It’s only when there is understanding that the communication becomes deep and intrinsically satisfying. This will lead both of you to accept each other for who you truly are and will create honesty, trust and heart of comprise.

This ends episode one of Recipes for a Long Lasting Relationship. Other parts will be posted subsequently. I would be grateful to have your comments below. You also can share to inspire others. Thank you.

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